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Cat Character No. 1: “Mes Feline” by J.R.Poulter
I have a cat in a bowler hat
Who struts his stuff in style!
He went to dine at Le Chez Feline
And ordered jalapos and wine.
>o >o > o >o
The wine was fine but the chilli was hot,
Hot as pepper from the pot!
The cat spat the chilli back into the vat,
Threw up in his bowler hat,
Was booted out onto the welcome mat.
>o >o > o >o
A sorry cat with a ruined hat,
He sadly sat under the neon sign
Drank the rest of the bottle of wine
And that was that for mes feline!
Laddy McLaird, a grim, ghastly tale wi’ a beard!
by J.R.Poulter 08
Fair Laddy McLaird was the baddest o bairns
Ever born in the Valley o Bones
A wild wicked child with the tricks and the wiles
Of many a blackguard full grown!
Though the Elders it seems were aware of his schemes,
They turned a blind eye till he bit Piper Skye
But what’s worst, Piper fell on his pipes,
The bag burst and by cripes
The Piping the Haggis was wrecked!
That was the last straw they declared Lad outlawed
Twas high time the boy learned respect!
McKenna, McKanna, Auld Willy McGraw
The McCougalls, McDougalls and Curly McHaugh
Chased Laddy from town with staves and with staffs
And accompanied his exit with full bellied laughs!
Now they’d chased Laddy down, right out of the town
Far, far from his home in the Valley o Bones.
Till they came to the loch, “G’won scram,!”
Lad could nay swim but had na mind to drown!”
Lad was a fast learner, with nary a murmur
He leapt in the loch and he swam!
When he came to the shore
It was night cold and raw and off in the distance he saw
A light – twas a fire and as he drew nigher
He found a giant maggot frying fish over faggots
“Gimme some or I squish yer!!” he cried!
The maggot was clever but terribly slow and so
So he moved like a lardy great blob.
Lad snatched up the fish and finished the dish
By emptying the lot down his gob!
“Oi Thar!” cried the Maggot emitting a sob,
It’s cold and I’m awfully famished”!
“No worries!” sneered Lad, “you’re meal was na bad.
So yer won’t have to beg and be sorry!
Just get off yer flub, yer fat useless grub
And I won’t turn you into a curry!”
Lad spent a quiet night by the faggot’s firelight
And cooked up the maggot for supper
There was plenty to eat and meat was quite sweet
For the maggot had plenty of blubber.
The next morning Lad woke as the sun up and broke
Like an egg on the mountains above him.
He filled up a flagon and I’m never braggin’
His thirst was the size of Loch Ness!
Then he loaded what’s left of the maggot and faggots
Upon the poor larvae’s own wagon.
About midday, about midway
Across the plain under the mountain
Lad thought he saw something that could be a bird
But as it came closer, proved much more absurd.
He shook his head in disbelief
And took a long pull on his flagon,
‘Twas never a bird the likes HE’d ever heard
But rather more like, well, a dragon!
It soared down towards him. Our Lad got prepared.
But the closer it got, he could see what ‘twas not
And the weirder ‘n wilder ‘n worse it appeared!
There was one thing this dragon had lots!
“Why it has na meat on it!
It’s naught but bare bones!
What harm can a thing do
That’s spare as the stones?”
Lad stood his ground as the dragon flew down
But the closer it drew, this foul stench kinda grew.
The dragon breathed naught but foul air!
“What kind of a beast am I goin’ to defeat?
I want to be feared for the warfare I wage
For my cunning and cruelty and terrible rage!
This joke of a monster’s not fair!”
The dragon swooped on him, he thought he’d be sick
The odour was awful, it made the air thick!
It flung wide it jaws. Lad saw down its throat.
There was nothing but spareribs that’s worthy of note.
So he skewered the creature head down on a tree
Then proceeded to cook up the spareribs for tea!
With all this strange food, young McLaird grew a beard
And figured he’d figure’s a figure much feared.
So he claimed dragon castle and won it’s fair maid
And headed for home with the loot he had made.
Now the folk in the Valley had thought Lad was dead
Or at least that was what all the elders had said.
So when this strange stranger came thundering down
From the high mountain passes into their wee town
They voted him TOPS as the ugliest Scot
Ere to down a wee drop and made him the Laird o the Crofts.
Lad became legend! Just one wee thing peeved,
Not one of his tales of his feats were believed….
Pandamonium! By J.R.Poulter
Where his belly button’s at
He thinks it’s moved, but it might be
That Panda’s getting fat!
He’s also found his toes are all
Slipping fast from view
Underneath an overhang
That’s made of Panda too.
He’s got a taste for honey
When he should be eating greens!
Didn’t listen to his Mummy
Hid his bamboo shoots and beans!
He has to exercise he’s told
Or he will get so big,
He’ll be just like a roley ball
And look more like a PIG!
Come on Panda, Panda do
Have a waggle, waggle, wiggle,
Wag your tum and bottom too!
Waggle, wiggle, wiggle, jiggle,
What a giggle!
You join too!
Come ‘n join him, join in wiggling!
It’s more fun when there are two
To wiggle jiggle giggling,
Even MORE when there’s a few!
Panda’s dancing! Panda’s dancing!
Do you fancy dancing too?
Come’n join him! Come’n join him
There’s room for ALL of you!
Oh dear, the floor is sagging
From the stompy bompy feet
The foundations are all caving in
SCRASH! We’re in a heap!
Oh that was fun!
Let’s go some more,
But better do our dance
I fell in love with this introspective little Panda and thought I’d bring him out of his shell – Joy thought that was a good idea too! This was the result!
Joy’s website is http://joystewy.com/illustrations.cfm
This poem and illustration feature in a book we are preparing for Sharing Books [www.sharing-books.com]
REFLECTION UPON THE SELF PORTRAIT OF MATTIAS ADOLFSSON, by J.R.Poulter
Nice shade of Blue!
Do you do other Hues too?
A puce or vermillion
Could look like a Million.
Heliotrope’s a nice shade
But a bit prone to fade….
Just tan is so boring,
Common White isn’t scoring
Can you really bare to be inked
And then there’s yellow
Well that ‘s a tad mellow…
At least on the fashion track.
I do think blue
Looks good on you!
Would you colour me too?
[This is brave stuff – he has also done a selfportrait as a merman, or is it being half eaten by a sharkodile? I might have to do a wacky wordage on that one too…]
[Illustration by Mattias Adolfsson]
The Queuing by J.R.Poulter
What shall we do?
Let’s form a queue!
You cannot form a queue right here
Because it’s not to anywhere!
What’s it matter what it’s for?
It’s better than standing round being bored!
Me to the front.
No that won’t do!
You behind me.
What, can’t you see?
Well goodness me gracious
You’re NOT efficacious!
NO need to swear,
The piggle will hear!
The piggle has peedled himself with fear….
Now, where’d they all go?
How should I know!?
No one’s queuing,
Just piggle on his own boohooing,
“I weedely wodely wunt be awone!” *
[*Loosely translated piggleese – “I really and truly am awf’lly alone and I don’t want to!”]
Mattias has an utterly wild and wonderous blog [http://mattiasa.blogspot.com/2008/07/stekare.html] on which this funny sketch features. It was too good to pass up – I HAD to write the story in the picture – sort of uncontainable verbalaging! The result was the humorous poem appendaged on to Mattias’ artwork [Yes, Mattias did have first peak – just in case it freaked him out of his creative space. ]
Oh, Come a Bummer Do! © J.R.Poulter
Sifting salted peanuts
In between their teeth,
It’s the ooby gooby men
Who’ve come to cause us grief!
Ickle them, tickle them,
Pickle and prickle them!
Bum tiddlee um tum, bum bum BOOOO!
Run, run quickly
The traffic jam’s ickly stickly!
The oobie goos spread it too thickly
And now we’re all slushing in ooh!
Bum tiddlee um tiddlee,
What are we to do?
Alas, the iggle piggle
Nottle wattling where he wiggled
Came a proper cropper,
Went a whopper head o’ topper
In the ooby gooby gooo.
Bum diddlee um, ummm, Oh BUM!
When he went bumpty, dumpty,
Piggle thumped um up complumply!
He squashed the ooby goobies,
Squished them into blobs of doobies…
Now we’re FREE OF OOBY GOOBIES!
Diddlee um, diddlee bum, BOO HOOO!
Another trawl through the marvelous mayhem on Blog Mattias [http://mattiasa.blogspot.com/2008/07/stekare.html] found this – “Doodles”– the Bum caught me eye – no, don’t even try and deny that you see it – then came the refrain “bum tiddlee um tum bum bum!” If you don’t do something about a niggly little nonsense like that it will drive you nuts – so I gave way and “Oh Come a Bummer Do!” is the result….
Dragon Party started in similar vein – I was on a bus and the phrase came to mind “drooling dragons dribble by”. I dare you to deny extended life to a phrase like that – it HAD to be poemated!