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Wacky Wordage No. 11- “Mes Feline” – Tricia Waterbury & J.R. Poulter

Bowler-Hatted-Cat by Tricia Waterbury

Bowler-Hatted-Cat by Tricia Waterbury

Cat Character No. 1: “Mes Feline” by J.R.Poulter

I have a cat in a bowler hat

Who struts his stuff in style!

He went to dine at Le Chez Feline

And ordered jalapos and wine.

>o >o > o >o

The wine was fine but the chilli was hot,

Hot as pepper from the pot!

The cat spat the chilli back into the vat,

Threw up in his bowler hat,

Was booted out onto the welcome mat.

>o >o > o >o

A sorry cat with a ruined hat,

He sadly sat under the neon sign

Drank the rest of the bottle of wine

And that was that for mes feline!

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Weirdly wacky wordage no. 10 – Laddy McLaird – images by Stephen King

Scottish Lad by Stephen King

Scottish Lad by Stephen King

Laddy McLaird, a grim, ghastly tale wi’ a beard!

by J.R.Poulter 08

Fair Laddy McLaird was the baddest o bairns

Ever born in the Valley o Bones

A wild wicked child with the tricks and the wiles

Of many a blackguard full grown!

xxxx######xxxx######

Though the Elders it seems were aware of his schemes,

They turned a blind eye till he bit Piper Skye

But what’s worst, Piper fell on his pipes,

The bag burst and by cripes

The Piping the Haggis was wrecked!

That was the last straw they declared Lad outlawed

Twas high time the boy learned respect!

xxxx######xxxx######

McKenna, McKanna, Auld Willy McGraw

The McCougalls, McDougalls and Curly McHaugh

Chased Laddy from town with staves and with staffs

And accompanied his exit with full bellied laughs!

xxxx######xxxx######

Now they’d chased Laddy down, right out of the town

Far, far from his home in the Valley o Bones.

Till they came to the loch, “G’won scram,!”

Lad could nay swim but had na mind to drown!”

Lad was a fast learner, with nary a murmur

He leapt in the loch and he swam!

xxxx######xxxx######

When he came to the shore

It was night cold and raw and off in the distance he saw

A light – twas a fire and as he drew nigher

He found a giant maggot frying fish over faggots

“Gimme some or I squish yer!!” he cried!

xxxx######xxxx######

The maggot was clever but terribly slow and so

So he moved like a lardy great blob.

Lad snatched up the fish and finished the dish

By emptying the lot down his gob!

“Oi Thar!” cried the Maggot emitting a sob,

It’s cold and I’m awfully famished”!

xxxx######xxxx######

“No worries!” sneered Lad, “you’re meal was na bad.

So yer won’t have to beg and be sorry!

Just get off yer flub, yer fat useless grub

And I won’t turn you into a curry!”

xxxx######xxxx######

Lad spent a quiet night by the faggot’s firelight

And cooked up the maggot for supper

There was plenty to eat and meat was quite sweet

For the maggot had plenty of blubber.

xxxx######xxxx######

The next morning Lad woke as the sun up and broke

Like an egg on the mountains above him.

He filled up a flagon and I’m never braggin’

His thirst was the size of Loch Ness!

Then he loaded what’s left of the maggot and faggots

Upon the poor larvae’s own wagon.

xxxx######xxxx######

About midday, about midway

Across the plain under the mountain

Lad thought he saw something that could be a bird

But as it came closer, proved much more absurd.

He shook his head in disbelief

And took a long pull on his flagon,

‘Twas never a bird the likes HE’d ever heard

But rather more like, well, a dragon!

xxxx######xxxx######

It soared down towards him. Our Lad got prepared.

But the closer it got, he could see what ‘twas not

And the weirder ‘n wilder ‘n worse it appeared!

There was one thing this dragon had lots!

xxxx######xxxx######

“Why it has na meat on it!

It’s naught but bare bones!

What harm can a thing do

That’s spare as the stones?”

xxxx######xxxx######

Lad stood his ground as the dragon flew down

But the closer it drew, this foul stench kinda grew.

The dragon breathed naught but foul air!

“What kind of a beast am I goin’ to defeat?

I want to be feared for the warfare I wage

For my cunning and cruelty and terrible rage!

This joke of a monster’s not fair!”

xxxx######xxxx######

The dragon swooped on him, he thought he’d be sick

The odour was awful, it made the air thick!

It flung wide it jaws. Lad saw down its throat.

There was nothing but spareribs that’s worthy of note.

So he skewered the creature head down on a tree

Then proceeded to cook up the spareribs for tea!

xxxx######xxxx######

With all this strange food, young McLaird grew a beard

And figured he’d figure’s a figure much feared.

So he claimed dragon castle and won it’s fair maid

And headed for home with the loot he had made.

xxxx######xxxx######

Now the folk in the Valley had thought Lad was dead

Or at least that was what all the elders had said.

So when this strange stranger came thundering down

From the high mountain passes into their wee town

They voted him TOPS as the ugliest Scot

Ere to down a wee drop and made him the Laird o the Crofts.

Lad became legend! Just one wee thing peeved,

Not one of his tales of his feats were believed….

Dragon Bones by Stephen King

Dragon Bones by Stephen King

Wacky Wordage Number 7 – “Pandamonium” – inspired by Joy ‘Stewy’ Steuerwald

Joy Steuerwald's Panda

Joy Steuerwald

Pandamonium! By J.R.Poulter

Panda’s contemplating

Where his belly button’s at

He thinks it’s moved, but it might be

That Panda’s getting fat!

He’s also found his toes are all

Slipping fast from view

Underneath an overhang

That’s made of Panda too.

He’s got a taste for honey

When he should be eating greens!

Didn’t listen to his Mummy

Hid his bamboo shoots and beans!

He has to exercise he’s told

Or he will get so big,

He’ll be just like a roley ball

And look more like a PIG!

Come on Panda, Panda do

Have a waggle, waggle, wiggle,

Wag your tum and bottom too!

Waggle, wiggle, wiggle, jiggle,

What a giggle!

You join too!

Come ‘n join him, join in wiggling!

It’s more fun when there are two

To wiggle jiggle giggling,

Even MORE when there’s a few!

Panda’s dancing! Panda’s dancing!

Do you fancy dancing too?

Come’n join him! Come’n join him

There’s room for ALL of you!

Oh dear, the floor is sagging

From the stompy bompy feet

The foundations are all caving in

SCRASH! We’re in a heap!

Oh that was fun!

Let’s go some more,

But better do our dance

OUTDOORS!

….____….____

I fell in love with this introspective little Panda and thought I’d bring him out of his shell – Joy thought that was a good idea too! This was the result!

Joy’s website is http://joystewy.com/illustrations.cfm

This poem and illustration feature in a book we are preparing for Sharing Books [www.sharing-books.com]

Wacky Wordage No. 5 – Self Portrait of Mattias Adolfsson

Solf Portrait of Mattias Adolfsson

Self Portrait of Mattias Adolfsson

REFLECTION UPON THE SELF PORTRAIT OF MATTIAS ADOLFSSON, by J.R.Poulter

Nice shade of Blue!

Do you do other Hues too?

A puce or vermillion

Could look like a Million.

Heliotrope’s a nice shade

But a bit prone to fade….

+++—+++—

Just tan is so boring,

Common White isn’t scoring

Can you really bare to be inked

In pink!

And then there’s yellow

Well that ‘s a tad mellow…

Black’s back,

At least on the fashion track.

+++—+++—

I do think blue

Looks good on you!

Would you colour me too?

+++—+++—

[This is brave stuff – he has also done a selfportrait as a merman, or is it being half eaten by a sharkodile? I might have to do a wacky wordage on that one too…]

Wacky Wordage – Number 1- Mattias Adolfsson’s responsible for inspiring this

'Let's Form a Queue', by Mattias Adolfsson

[Illustration by Mattias Adolfsson]

The Queuing by J.R.Poulter

What shall we do?

Let’s form a queue!

…………..

You cannot form a queue right here

Because it’s not to anywhere!

…………..

What’s it matter what it’s for?

It’s better than standing round being bored!

…………..

Me to the front.

No that won’t do!

…………..

You behind me.

What, can’t you see?

…………..

Well goodness me gracious

You’re NOT efficacious!

…………..

NO need to swear,

The piggle will hear!

…………..

Oh dear……

The piggle has peedled himself with fear….

…………..

Now, where’d they all go?

How should I know!?

…………..

Nothing’s doing,

No one’s queuing,

Just piggle on his own boohooing,

……………

“I weedely wodely wunt be awone!” *

…………..

Go home!

…………..

[*Loosely translated piggleese – “I really and truly am awf’lly alone and I don’t want to!”]

Mattias has an utterly wild and wonderous blog [http://mattiasa.blogspot.com/2008/07/stekare.html] on which this funny sketch features. It was too good to pass up – I HAD to write the story in the picture – sort of uncontainable verbalaging! The result was the humorous poem appendaged on to Mattias’ artwork [Yes, Mattias did have first peak – just in case it freaked him out of his creative space. ]

Wacky Wordage – Number 2- nonsense poem by J.R.Poulter + Mattias Adolfsson’s “Doodles”

Oh, Come A Bummer Do!

'Doodles' by Mattias Adolfsson


Oh, Come a Bummer Do! © J.R.Poulter

Sifting salted peanuts

In between their teeth,

It’s the ooby gooby men

Who’ve come to cause us grief!

Ickle them, tickle them,

Pickle and prickle them!

Bum tiddlee um tum, bum bum BOOOO!

***—***—

Run, run quickly

The traffic jam’s ickly stickly!

The oobie goos spread it too thickly

And now we’re all slushing  in ooh!

Bum tiddlee um tiddlee,

What are we to do?

***—***—

Alas, the iggle  piggle

Nottle wattling where he wiggled

Came a proper cropper,

Went a whopper head o’ topper

In the ooby gooby gooo.

Bum diddlee um, ummm, Oh BUM!

***—***—

BUT

When he went  bumpty, dumpty,

Piggle thumped um up complumply!

He squashed the ooby goobies,

Squished them into blobs of doobies…

Now we’re FREE OF OOBY GOOBIES!

Diddlee um, diddlee bum, BOO HOOO!

Another trawl through the marvelous mayhem on Blog Mattias [http://mattiasa.blogspot.com/2008/07/stekare.html] found this – “Doodles”– the Bum caught me eye – no, don’t even try and deny that you see it – then came the refrain “bum tiddlee um tum bum bum!” If you don’t do something about a niggly little nonsense like that it will drive you nuts – so I gave way and “Oh Come a Bummer Do!” is the result….

Dragon Party started in similar vein – I was on a bus and the phrase came to mind “drooling dragons dribble by”. I dare you to deny extended life to a phrase like that – it HAD to be poemated!